True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
