I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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