I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
