I heard we made out
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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