Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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