its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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