did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
