I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
