the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
