Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
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My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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