How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
