Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
