I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
