Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
