Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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