Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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