I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
