If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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