just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
