Cold hands, warm shart.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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