I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
