you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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