dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got inside last night via doggy door
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
