Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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