Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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