I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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