Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
