Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
