I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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