I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
