I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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