no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
