i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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