it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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