So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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