Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
