worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
