He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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