3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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