Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
