One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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