Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
