I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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