I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
