you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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