do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
