I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
