when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
