so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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