Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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