Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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