I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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