the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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