he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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