I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
