yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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