dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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